Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent.
I am not Catholic or Lutheran or a member of any mainstream big name denomination but I do have an appreciation for the Church calendar. I thank the time I went to a Lutheran school for that. At times I thought it was torture but even then I knew I was learning things that would increase in value as I grew in knowledge and understanding. Lent is one of those things growing in value.
In my layman's terms Lent is the season leading up to Easter where we consciously turn our thoughts on the life that we have been born into... that depraved live, this depraved me... while knowing that there is a perfect Father God that is all good... the utter opposite of who we are without Christ. It is a sobering season of reflection and repentance.
BUT! Oh I love that "but"! There is hope, there is light, there is life! That hope, light, life is in Christ. The perfect  Son of God who willingly gave up His life so that I might have the hope of eternal fellowship with God our Father!
See, just as I typed those words hope flared new in my heart, a smile touched my lips. This probably happened for you too as you read those simple inadequate words.
For me personally, in an effort to bring a bit more stillness to my world so that I can truly contemplate all that I want to during this season, I try to choose something to "give up" for a while. Something that tends to not lead me to Christ. Some give up meat, some give up dairy or sweets, some give up TV, the list goes on. Being pregnant I will not be curtailing my diet as we already try to eat balanced and healthy. I gave up chocolate a couple years ago, that was hard, but this year I am giving up something that truly occupies more time than I devote to God (including going to church, prayer, reading the Bible, etc). Facebook.
It will be hard. In the 12 hours I have been observing Lent (yes, I was sleeping for 6 of those hours) I have already thought of at least 4 "status updates" that would get lots of responses. I have thought of things I know will happen during this season that I would love to share with my friends globally (like finding out if Gummy Bear is a boy or a girl), I have thought of things that I will miss seeing. But, there's that word again, in the end, when I celebrate the glorious resurrection of my Lord and Saviour on Easter morning, it will be worth all the silly little things that I will find hard to give up in the meantime.
So here is to a little self sacrifice so I will have an appreciation of the ultimate sacrifice.
This website gives a pretty good overview of Lent. And he also gives a pretty good explanation of why some churches don't observe Lent.

Preoccupied

So I have been a bit preoccupied lately. 

"With what?" you say.

Well, besides a job, a husband, a rambunctious toddler, and a house to attempt to care for, I am also blissfully pregnant. Yeah, I know you knew that already (and if not, sorry, I wasn't trying to keep it a secret from anyone any longer), but what you may not know is how our "story" dictates how I approach this little life growing.

You see, when C and I got married we purposely decided that we wanted to get to know each other for a year before we got pregnant. In my mind as soon as that year was up we were going to magically become pregnant. That waiting year passed... and another... and another. We were devastated; the one think I knew I wanted to be, a mom, was being denied. Those two years and another 10 months were filled with a lot of learning, tests, conversations, and learning to trust God would do what He said He would do. I would have completely lost hope had God not given me to my best friend and helped me to use C's faith where mine was wavering. I think C was concerned not about whether we would be parents but how I would weather the storm of trying to get there.

Anyway, I was convinced that we were going to have to do something more involved like an IUI but hoping not for an IVF (for those who don't know what those are I hope you never HAVE to know what they are). I went through the medicines my doc prescribed more to get them out of the way before we moved on. I had received calls for months saying it literally was impossible that month to be pregnant. Then Mid February 2009 the nurse called and I knew I was going to be late to work due to crying... I was but not due to sad tears. She said its possible, I went to our local doc's office took a test and called C to come home. Poor guy, he thought he was going to have to help me through another "impossible" call. You know the end to that story, we moved (for many reasons) and although 3.5 weeks early Bubby arrived and life has been wonderful.

When Bubby was three months old we started trying for a sibling. It didn't happen. Went back to the doc to start the same regime that worked to get pregnant with Bubby. It didn't work. We doubled the time I took the medicine. It worked. For 5 wonderful days we knew I was pregnant. Then probably the saddest days of my life so far happened. We have a little one that will wait in heaven for us to meet her (just a gut feeling here). 

And I thought trying and failing to have children was hard, trying and losing is harder.

We took some time, re-anchored ourselves (really me) in trusting God. And I was really surprised when I felt a peace to go back to the doctor to ask for assistance. Even more surprised when C said yes too. I returned armed with more information and questions and started on a new regime, fully expecting it to take months again. Imagine my surprise when just a month after I started I felt like I needed to test. We found out at the beginning of December that we were pregnant. Bliss and fear gripped my heart. That first week was terrible. I am pretty sure I didn't get a thing done at work or at home. Then we passed the point where we experienced our loss. The fear didn't go away. It took more days and conversations with C before I finally sat down and had a heart to heart with God. You see, perfect love casts out fear, I wasn't living in the love of God, I was growing a new life that God has a plan and destiny for, I was growing an amazing miraculous gift from our loving Father and not living in His love. After some tears, repenting, and quiet listening I felt peace in my heart. The following week we saw our little gummy bear's heart beating so we told our family on Christmas day that we were expecting. Four weeks later gummy bear was waving his/her arms at us and wiggling all over so we started telling our friends. Then we came up to the end of January. Our Maybaby's due date was January 26th. I was not looking forward to that day. On the 23rd, I felt a little flutter, then later in the day I felt it again, I tried to dismiss it. On the 24th I felt it again and there was no denying I was physically aware of my little August baby. The morning of the 26th I felt a sadness that I didn't dislike but I didn't enjoy either, how else is a person supposed to celebrate someone who is now gone. That day I felt Bear moving more than either day before and more than the days since. I am sure that was God's mercy.

In all the research I have done, which just barely scratches the surface of what there is to know, I have learned that every child is truly a miracle. Not only are there rigidly strict parameters for conception to occur but there are rigidly strict parameters for eggs to mature and be released and for sperm to develop into baby making material. Then there are the formative weeks where the slightest thing being off kilter can mean the life of your unborn child much less everything else that could go wrong. Then there is labor, granted true emergencies are rare but they do exist. 

So, I am a bit preoccupied with the life growing inside me, with those little flutters that reassure me Bear is growing, with the fact that there is a call of this little one's life already. And I am a bit preoccupied with God talking to me about this little life, about what Bear is called to do and be and how Bear and Bubby will be together. 

Just some thoughts

So, we are smack dab in the middle of our second cycle after losing our little miracle. And yes, it still hurts. Bubby has been a wonderful source of comfort and distraction and Hubby has been extra wonderful. I love my family!
So why a post now? Well, let me tell ya, there have been some interesting thoughts going on in our house lately.
First about two weeks ago Hubby asks my opinion on a name, I love it and he says it should be our next baby's name. A minute later I throw out a middle name and he says "that's what I was thinking". Hmmm.
Later that week I am singing at Church and in the middle of the song I hear God say that my next child will be a "priest" (no we are not Jewish or Catholic); the name we both decided we liked means "priest".
Then there is the feeling that we will not have long to wait before our next child's presence is known to us.
So, now I am sitting here just a couple days past ovulation and the crazy analyzing every twinge and feeling is driving me batty. I am trying to not put my hope in anything but God, its all up to Him anyway and His timing is perfect. Hopefully even just getting this post out there will help me focus a bit more. Hopefully. :)

Dreams

There really is no theme to this blog yet. When one comes out I will probably have to start a new one for that theme as I enjoy having a place to write about the "new" twists life is offering. So, for today the topic on my mind is dreams.
For several days I have been having dreams. Dreams in and of themselves are not odd for me to have but dreams that I can remember days later... those I pay attention to. Sometimes I chalk the dream up to pizza (or almost a whole tub of popcorn) or to getting too hot at night. Dreams that happen under those circumstances are generally pretty interesting, usually have slightly scary aspects and in general I don't like very much.
Since last Thursday I have been having dreams that have their "pizza" quality but each night there is one thing that each has in common and those parts I can remember past C, my little alarm clock, waking me up. In each dream I have been part of a team of musicians leading worship in a large venue. In none of the dreams have I seen the congregation, just the team. And in each team there has been a combination of people that I would never expect to see; they are from several churches I have gone to and from different generations. For the last 20 years I have gone to 4 churches and served on the worship teams in each of them so I know these people in my dreams.
I am not entirely sure but I think this is happening in response to a prayer I pray and a desire to serve a worship team and with a worship team. Just recently I have been asking God to help me help the current worship team I am joining at Life Church. I don't know everything, I don't have all the answers, but I do have some experience and some desire and with those things I want to serve and try to help better this team and the situation we are in equipment wise. I think these dreams are happening in response to a thought I have had where I have tried to quiet the sound technician in me so that I can "just" be a singer and frankly, it is just about impossible if not completely impossible.
Finally, I think this may be happening in response to a desire that has woken up in me the last 7 or so months to see what worship will be like in heaven. I had a dream about a dance that had hundreds of people in it each doing their own dance but if you looked at them all together the dances worked together. Similarly, in my recent dreams many members of many teams are coming together and together directing worship to God Almighty. I think I may be getting a glimpse of what worship will be like in heaven. I think we should be trying to work towards that here on earth. I think this may be some of my most exciting dreams yet... despite the pizza parts.

Fighting Sleep

I am holding Connor right now. This wouldn't be odd except that he should be sleeping and I should be doing laundry. Connor doesn't usually fight sleep. I typically lay him down for sleep and walk away. He may fuss for a little bit but no more than five minutes. If he doesn't go to sleep right away he will lay there and look at his hands. We had a long weekend at Grandma's and he wasn't quite on a schedule there, today we are recovering and he had been sleeping really well as he is so tired. I know that he is tired and should sleep, he knows he is tired but is fighting sleep. He doesn't know what he needs just what he wants.
Funny, I am like that too at times. Not only do I fight sleep at times when I know I need it, but I also fight other things even though I need them too. How often does God hold me in His arms knowing what I need and just watching me do what I want to do fighting what I need, be it resting in Him, trusting that He is in control, or even that I physically need to go to sleep.
Having some fight in you is a good thing. I know a little girl who fought to live, now she is 7 years old and doing well. But at times the same fight that can save our life physically or spiritually can keep us from what is good. Yet another case of our biggest assets being our greatest weaknesses.
Now Connor has finally gone to sleep, worn out from fighting it, but it is not a restful sleep. He is stirring, sucking on his pacifier and doesn't want to be put down. You see he may be asleep but he didn't willingly give in to it. He is only asleep because his little body has given up. How many times have I finally given in to what God has in store only because I didn't have a choice not because I actually wanted to.
So for now, I am learning lessons in life by watching my son.